Wednesday 16 October 2013
Why did the kids in Jericho have to die
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The four key questions for life
This is based on something I heard on the radio a few years ago, and haven't been able to get an Australian version of.
1) Am I loveable?
2) Am I noticed?
3) Do I have a future?
4) Am I needed?
My reason for posting this is simply to encourage all adults to address their own answers and to reach out to any kids who might be struggling with any of these questions - You might be the one who makes the difference in a kid's life.
These four questions basically come in four to five year stages. The kids who come into adulthood with these questions firmly answered are most likely to be emotionally secure and motivated to achieve. Sometime people will answer these questions sequentially, and sometimes they will get the answer to one question and then skip the next and then go back. Essentially though, if the answer to any of these questions is "No" then the outlook for a kid is bleak and their motivation towards anything is going to be mixed. It is going to affect their outlook and their behaviour in certain circumstances. For example, what point is there for a kid who doesn't think they are noticed to try hard at school for an award? What point is there for a kid is there for a kid to reach out to others if they feel unnecessary and unneeded?
I believe that God made parents to be the ones that answer these questions for kids, but that doesn't always happen. In the real world, parents have limitations, parents struggle with their own answers to these questions, and life happens. It takes a village to raise a child, and sometimes the parents aren't able to, or don't know how to make the needed changes to help, so we should all be on the look-out for kids who are struggling. The reason why it's best if the parent answers it, is because the rest of society provides conditional answers. For example, if your answer to "Am I needed?" is yes, because you have a job and the manager says, "I don't know what I'd do without you." then that's great until you lose your job or move onto another job in which they don't make you feel as needed. If a kid believes that they are noticed, because they were put into beauty pageants between the ages of 5-12 but then they nolonger make the cut, then it's quite likely that they will start attention seeking behaviour. It's not a hard and fast rule; it's just an ideal. Every kid and every family and every parent is different. Hopefully this will just get you thinking.
1) Am I loveable?
The first four to five years are spent grappling with the question "Am I loveable?" Not am I cute and cuddly, but am I such a person that is capable of being loved? If that question is answered positively, then it has a huge impact on a kid's ability to deal with all kinds of changes to do with people like new settings, (like kindy and school) new people, and new siblings. Ideally, parents should be spending lots of time with 0-5 year olds, hugging them, laughing with them, feeding them and encouraging them. When kids misbehave (which happens a lot) parents need to set the boundaries of what is right and wrong. It's these kinds of things which answer the question "Am I loveable" because if parents continue to demonstrate love in the face of bad behaviour when the kid is young, then they start to realize that they are loved no matter how naughty they are. This is unconditional love; it's hard to do it right so that kids get the right correction to the behaviour without getting a sense that they can get away with anything, and without getting the sense that they can do nothing right.
If the answer by the end of 5 years is "I am loveable," then new will be approached positively. Meeting a new person is met with an expectation that the relationship will be positive, and going to a new school is exciting because they expect that they will be loved - not in the same way as parents - but just that expectation is for good, and they know that if it all goes wrong they can retreat back to loving parents.
Now I have three kids and they are all different, even though my wife and I have parented them in the same way. Their personalities mean that they respond differently to all kinds of things. My second son struggles with this question at times, and that has meant that settling into Prep has taken time, and there have been ups and downs. That doesn't mean that I haven't done a good job, but more that his personality is affected by a range of extra things in new situations. Even though he is no less loved, he needs to ask the question more frequently, and get reminded more frequently.
2) Am I noticed?
Ever felt invisible? Some kids spend their whole lives feeling invisible. The quiet ones, the ones with lots of siblings, the ones who aren't academic or sporting geniuses all struggle with this question. And it's not just getting praise. Some kids get praised for things that they know aren't valuable - they reach a point where they wanted to come first, second, third, not well done for showing up. They want to be told "That was a great game you played today" when they didn't drop the ball everytime. Kids understand the truth from the age of 4 and want genuine evaluation from around the age of 6. That's not to say praise should be left for stellar performances, but we should be very careful as to what and how we give kids encouragement. A specific part of the game where they did the right thing, is much much better than praising the whole game in which things went right and things went wrong. Praising effort (which can eventually become demoralizing) instead of results. Identifying areas that could be worked on as an opportunity for more time together and recognizing that just because you don't get chosen, doesn't mean you weren't good. It's tricky, but failure is a part of life that kids need to be prepared for in a positive way and how they bounce back from what they see failures will have an impact on their motivation. If you aren't a part of that, then they can start to feel unnoticed and worthless. All that work done on answering the question about being loveable gets undermined, and habits about expectations always become negative. It's not a matter of preventing them from experiencing failure - its a matter of working out how to be alongside them. Too many parents will step in and get academic grades upgraded, teams reassessed, and performances influenced in a failed attempt to show their love. If a parent does this, then they are devaluing their kid, and ignoring their needs - which leads to the answer "Am I'm noticed" being only answered negatively, until the parents stop their interfering (Sometimes as late as the twenties) or makes the kid think "If they really noticed me then they would know that "maths" is not my strength."
Of course, some kids do not have anyone who does notice them. There might be lots of reasons for this, but at the end of the day we need to have eyes that see in particular marginalised, excluded or "loner" kids - it can lead to depression and suicide.
3) Do I have a future?
Ever noticed how when you ask kids what they want to do when they leave school, they often don't know? Sometimes its because they don't know if there is actually any point in trying hard because they don't know if they have a real future.
In the adult world, we actually assume that we will be doing something similar to this year next year, or different next year based upon our current condition and control. Say for example you want to go on a big holiday, you will save, or you want to move house or renovate your house - you will get quotes, save, research or whatever it takes. You are assuming that next year will happen in a similar way to this year with sufficient knowns and not too many unknowns. Even Uni students and people who don't know if they are going to get the sack will act in a way that supports their future - even the choice of saving money because you think you might get the sack is a belief in the future.
The way in which kids think about their future is different to adults, mainly because of their experience. Year 2 follows year 1. Year 7 follows year 6. If you hate maths in primary school then you probably hate it in high school. It's like it's never going to change and never going to end.
All the discussion about the future is fine, but at some point, kids do the maths and realise that they are just one of many. Whether its because they got rejected by the local Maccas for a job, whether they get beaten by most of the grade, or Uni cohort, or whether their friends are more popular, there is a constant question in a kid's mind about whether or not this massive world actually needs them, or whether or not they are just surplus.
I gotta mention God here: I believe that God made each one of us different and that we are all unique. I also believe that God made each of us with a very specific plan and a unique purpose. No matter where you are at with God, every single person has the potential to do something truly unique and truly spectacular. When kids are making the transition to adulthood, it often seems impossible. Providing them with examples of how you got your break, asking them questions about what they are passionate about or what problems they see in the world, really helps, but mostly, you just need to be there for them and constantly reassure them that life does get better.
These questions if they get answered properly when you are young can really affect you positively, particularly in your relationships and career. If any of them get answered negatively of don't get definitively answered, they can really hold you back, lead to rocky relationships, lead to a lack of motivation in studies, or any aspect of your life which requires confidence.
If this answer isn't cleared up by teenage years, then their relationships with their peers, both BFF and GF/BF, could be characterized by some behaviour that adults will look at in wonder. For example, girls who get continually treated terribly by guys and continues to choose boyfriends that treat her that way. That could be interpreted as "An example of how our consumer society has degraded morals" but it could just be a cry for love and to work out the answers.
So keep an eye out for which questions kids you see might be struggling with, think about how you answered those questions and what questions you haven't actually answered positively.
Finally, get a conversation going about it and see what happens
Cheers
Macca
1) Am I loveable?
2) Am I noticed?
3) Do I have a future?
4) Am I needed?
My reason for posting this is simply to encourage all adults to address their own answers and to reach out to any kids who might be struggling with any of these questions - You might be the one who makes the difference in a kid's life.
These four questions basically come in four to five year stages. The kids who come into adulthood with these questions firmly answered are most likely to be emotionally secure and motivated to achieve. Sometime people will answer these questions sequentially, and sometimes they will get the answer to one question and then skip the next and then go back. Essentially though, if the answer to any of these questions is "No" then the outlook for a kid is bleak and their motivation towards anything is going to be mixed. It is going to affect their outlook and their behaviour in certain circumstances. For example, what point is there for a kid who doesn't think they are noticed to try hard at school for an award? What point is there for a kid is there for a kid to reach out to others if they feel unnecessary and unneeded?
I believe that God made parents to be the ones that answer these questions for kids, but that doesn't always happen. In the real world, parents have limitations, parents struggle with their own answers to these questions, and life happens. It takes a village to raise a child, and sometimes the parents aren't able to, or don't know how to make the needed changes to help, so we should all be on the look-out for kids who are struggling. The reason why it's best if the parent answers it, is because the rest of society provides conditional answers. For example, if your answer to "Am I needed?" is yes, because you have a job and the manager says, "I don't know what I'd do without you." then that's great until you lose your job or move onto another job in which they don't make you feel as needed. If a kid believes that they are noticed, because they were put into beauty pageants between the ages of 5-12 but then they nolonger make the cut, then it's quite likely that they will start attention seeking behaviour. It's not a hard and fast rule; it's just an ideal. Every kid and every family and every parent is different. Hopefully this will just get you thinking.
1) Am I loveable?
The first four to five years are spent grappling with the question "Am I loveable?" Not am I cute and cuddly, but am I such a person that is capable of being loved? If that question is answered positively, then it has a huge impact on a kid's ability to deal with all kinds of changes to do with people like new settings, (like kindy and school) new people, and new siblings. Ideally, parents should be spending lots of time with 0-5 year olds, hugging them, laughing with them, feeding them and encouraging them. When kids misbehave (which happens a lot) parents need to set the boundaries of what is right and wrong. It's these kinds of things which answer the question "Am I loveable" because if parents continue to demonstrate love in the face of bad behaviour when the kid is young, then they start to realize that they are loved no matter how naughty they are. This is unconditional love; it's hard to do it right so that kids get the right correction to the behaviour without getting a sense that they can get away with anything, and without getting the sense that they can do nothing right.
If the answer by the end of 5 years is "I am loveable," then new will be approached positively. Meeting a new person is met with an expectation that the relationship will be positive, and going to a new school is exciting because they expect that they will be loved - not in the same way as parents - but just that expectation is for good, and they know that if it all goes wrong they can retreat back to loving parents.
Now I have three kids and they are all different, even though my wife and I have parented them in the same way. Their personalities mean that they respond differently to all kinds of things. My second son struggles with this question at times, and that has meant that settling into Prep has taken time, and there have been ups and downs. That doesn't mean that I haven't done a good job, but more that his personality is affected by a range of extra things in new situations. Even though he is no less loved, he needs to ask the question more frequently, and get reminded more frequently.
2) Am I noticed?
Ever felt invisible? Some kids spend their whole lives feeling invisible. The quiet ones, the ones with lots of siblings, the ones who aren't academic or sporting geniuses all struggle with this question. And it's not just getting praise. Some kids get praised for things that they know aren't valuable - they reach a point where they wanted to come first, second, third, not well done for showing up. They want to be told "That was a great game you played today" when they didn't drop the ball everytime. Kids understand the truth from the age of 4 and want genuine evaluation from around the age of 6. That's not to say praise should be left for stellar performances, but we should be very careful as to what and how we give kids encouragement. A specific part of the game where they did the right thing, is much much better than praising the whole game in which things went right and things went wrong. Praising effort (which can eventually become demoralizing) instead of results. Identifying areas that could be worked on as an opportunity for more time together and recognizing that just because you don't get chosen, doesn't mean you weren't good. It's tricky, but failure is a part of life that kids need to be prepared for in a positive way and how they bounce back from what they see failures will have an impact on their motivation. If you aren't a part of that, then they can start to feel unnoticed and worthless. All that work done on answering the question about being loveable gets undermined, and habits about expectations always become negative. It's not a matter of preventing them from experiencing failure - its a matter of working out how to be alongside them. Too many parents will step in and get academic grades upgraded, teams reassessed, and performances influenced in a failed attempt to show their love. If a parent does this, then they are devaluing their kid, and ignoring their needs - which leads to the answer "Am I'm noticed" being only answered negatively, until the parents stop their interfering (Sometimes as late as the twenties) or makes the kid think "If they really noticed me then they would know that "maths" is not my strength."
Of course, some kids do not have anyone who does notice them. There might be lots of reasons for this, but at the end of the day we need to have eyes that see in particular marginalised, excluded or "loner" kids - it can lead to depression and suicide.
3) Do I have a future?
Ever noticed how when you ask kids what they want to do when they leave school, they often don't know? Sometimes its because they don't know if there is actually any point in trying hard because they don't know if they have a real future.
In the adult world, we actually assume that we will be doing something similar to this year next year, or different next year based upon our current condition and control. Say for example you want to go on a big holiday, you will save, or you want to move house or renovate your house - you will get quotes, save, research or whatever it takes. You are assuming that next year will happen in a similar way to this year with sufficient knowns and not too many unknowns. Even Uni students and people who don't know if they are going to get the sack will act in a way that supports their future - even the choice of saving money because you think you might get the sack is a belief in the future.
The way in which kids think about their future is different to adults, mainly because of their experience. Year 2 follows year 1. Year 7 follows year 6. If you hate maths in primary school then you probably hate it in high school. It's like it's never going to change and never going to end.
Who can forgive them for believing that they have no future when there are so many unknowns and everyone who has done it before was older than them. But without hope, what will motivate them? Nothing good. But where do they get the idea of a future from? From interested adults who can show them possibilities. All it takes is options based on strengths, weaknesses and interests. Now you can direct some of these by presenting good options and by knowing about the kid. You can also give them experiences like work experience, volunteering somewhere, or responsibilities. It also means that adults need to know about the high school system (whether HSC or QCS) and uni courses and OPs and industries. It also means that the discussions adults have about the future need to happen regularly and positively, whilst accepting that knowing what to do is a process not something that you should make a kid feel bad about for not knowing the answer.
Am I needed?
All the discussion about the future is fine, but at some point, kids do the maths and realise that they are just one of many. Whether its because they got rejected by the local Maccas for a job, whether they get beaten by most of the grade, or Uni cohort, or whether their friends are more popular, there is a constant question in a kid's mind about whether or not this massive world actually needs them, or whether or not they are just surplus.
I gotta mention God here: I believe that God made each one of us different and that we are all unique. I also believe that God made each of us with a very specific plan and a unique purpose. No matter where you are at with God, every single person has the potential to do something truly unique and truly spectacular. When kids are making the transition to adulthood, it often seems impossible. Providing them with examples of how you got your break, asking them questions about what they are passionate about or what problems they see in the world, really helps, but mostly, you just need to be there for them and constantly reassure them that life does get better.
These questions if they get answered properly when you are young can really affect you positively, particularly in your relationships and career. If any of them get answered negatively of don't get definitively answered, they can really hold you back, lead to rocky relationships, lead to a lack of motivation in studies, or any aspect of your life which requires confidence.
If this answer isn't cleared up by teenage years, then their relationships with their peers, both BFF and GF/BF, could be characterized by some behaviour that adults will look at in wonder. For example, girls who get continually treated terribly by guys and continues to choose boyfriends that treat her that way. That could be interpreted as "An example of how our consumer society has degraded morals" but it could just be a cry for love and to work out the answers.
So keep an eye out for which questions kids you see might be struggling with, think about how you answered those questions and what questions you haven't actually answered positively.
Finally, get a conversation going about it and see what happens
Cheers
Macca
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